Facing the trauma behind PTSD and other forms of mental illness can be extremely challenging at times. There are times when past trauma makes itself known and surfaces fully, regardless of whether anyone likes it or not. The loss of control and the distress people experience when this happens can be very scary. Having a solid support network when this happens can make a big difference in what you can face and how quickly you can recover. That is regardless of how serious your symptoms might be.
Trauma has a way of surfacing in romantic relationships. When people avoid intimacy and become more inauthentic, there is always a reason why. Typically, it is because people are avoiding becoming consciously aware of past pain. When you are aware of this reality, it allows you to be more compassionate and stay more present in your relationships. In turn, this allows you to support your partner(s) in why they are scared of fully reconnecting with you.
It can help to remember that people to not typically consciously choose to disconnect. While they might think they are consciously choosing to disconnect in some cases, trauma drives people far more deeply than is safe for many people to know. If given a real choice, most people I know would prefer to stay emotionally connected to their loved ones. The problem is that trauma gets in the way of people being able to do that.
At times, people become inauthentic and disconnect from emotional intimacy when trauma is surfacing. Dissociation and “checking out” is another thing that can happen. Incest survivors like myself are at particularly high risk for both behaviors during sexual intimacy.
In my romantic relationship, all of these things have been issues at times. It is not something I blame my girlfriend or myself for when it happens. I just call her out on her behavior and ask her why she thinks it is happening on her side. On my side, I tell her when I notice that I’m dissociating, and she helps bring me back by addressing my fears in the heat of the moment. She also calls me out when she notices that I’m not as present as I could be.
Recently, when I called her out on doing being inauthentic, she got very sick. Then she got the insight as to why she was going through what she was going through. The following is an edited online chat transcript of when that happened:
Me> I’m here to help when you are ready
Her> Oh my god love
Me> Love you
Her> That was the vomit to end all vomiting.
Me> *smooch* I’m so sorry honey
Her> I would sacrifice a kitten to end this.
Me> Poor dear. *rocks you gently*
Her> Never in my life have I been so sick.
Me> *kisses your forehead*
Her> I was actually afraid I was going to drown or choke to death.
Me> I’m proud of you. You are going to make it through this soon
Her> I remember when I felt like this before.
Me> Good, that’s a breakthrough.
Her> I had my period then too.
Me> (no surprise) *listens*
Her> My mom was working at the library, so I was probably eleven. It would have been one of my first periods. And I remember I had diarrhea and I could not stop vomiting and I was bleeding. And I was laying on the floor in the basement begging my mom to take me to the hospital and she wouldn’t take me.
Me> I’m so sorry honey.
Her> It’s okay lol. My mom finally got tired of listening to me complaining, so she took me to the ER.
Me> I’m guessing that you are unlearning neglect here? what do you think?
Her> But she wouldn’t even let me get a change of clothes or tampons or anything.
Me> That is nuts. You deserve better than that and I hope you know that now.
Her> It’s fine. She actually didn’t even stay with me. I was there for four days.
Me> Yikes. I’m so sorry honey.
Her> She didn’t take off work. My dad had his tumors and was too sick to stay. It’s okay. It did suck though.
In this particular case, my girlfriend was scared that I would not be present for her emotionally if she got sick. When people are scared that others will not take care of them, it makes sense for them to preemptively disconnect. By calling her out on what she was doing, this traumatic memory made its way to the surface. As sometimes happens in these cases, the physical reaction can be intense.
Another thing that you may notice above is how she repeatedly says things like “It’s okay” and “It’s fine”. I do respect her strength in being able to soldier on ahead in spite of her past. On the other hand, as I’ve told her many times before, I don’t think that these things from her past are fine or okay. Just because she was able to endure doesn’t mean that she’s okay now.
Sooner or later, she’s going to have to face her minimizing of her past pain. While she still carries it, it will get in the way of the emotional connection that we want to have. Of course, when it is ready to surface, I want to be there for her.
This is the same kind of thing that everyone faces in romantic relationships. We all face the pressures of whether or not we feel safe enough to be vulnerable and face whatever it might be from our pasts to make it safe for us to connect and to be fully present for ourselves and our partners.
It is not easy to face these types of things. It can be scary and brutally painful. However, when you are ready to face the past and have the support that is necessary to do so, you will make immense gains when you face things like this. Facing down past pain allows you to have the relationship(s) and love that you deserve.
The Recovering Healer 